There’s nothing as Irish as a good Irish funeral. And a good rural Laois funeral is as good as it gets.
You’ll no doubt relate to some of this.
1 – It does not matter what is happening you better shut up when the death notices are on Radio 3.
2 – You’ll have been dragged to funerals of a guy who worked with your father when your father never met your man’s wife or any of his relations.
3 – You had a three-course dinner at the afters of that man’s funeral. May he rest in peace.
4 – Your parents will attend four-five funerals a week, more on a good one.
5 – Everyone knows what way the deceased voted from the undertakers used.
6 – If the best thing someone can say about a dead man is that “he wasn’t the worst”, then he’s no loss.
7 – Guards of honours are a mark of respect especially if five clubs turn up and it ends up in a punch up.
8 – Someone will come to the church late, abandon their car and block the hearse in.
9 – You’ll have been told to go to a funeral “not to have the neighbours talking”.
10 – It’s always worth watching the politicians to learn how to be seen.
11 – If the eulogy says a 99-year-old was taken too soon they were close to getting the cheque for being 100.
12 – You’ll have gone to at least one rosary as it was a lift to the pub.
13 – Past a certain age you can say I never liked the dead person and not get stick for it. If it’s your dead husband of 40 years it’s not great but you won’t be judged.
14 – You’ll have said the words “it must have came as a relief in the end” and realise you are a horrible person
15 – Laois people are still getting used to the one-day funerals. Most auld ones miss the removal.
16 – At any funeral your mother will spot at least four people that are “after getting very shook”.
17 – You’ll have said the words “that was a great funeral”.
18 – No matter how many sandwiches the neighbours make you’ll never have enough.
19 – Having the wake at home sounds like a lovely idea until you’re listening to uncles arguing about a junior hurling match from 30 years ago at 6 in the morning
20 – Someone will always have an aunt who’s either dying or on the way out.
21 – You’ll always know someone who buys the Irish Independent every day for the deaths only. When they see nobody they know, they’ll proclaim “No-one dead, nowhere to go tonight”.
22 – If you have a funeral mass at 2.30 in the day it’s only acceptable if the deceased is Church of Ireland otherwise it’ll be classified as notions.
23 – Your folks will listen to the death notices again that evening in case they missed one.
SEE ALSO – Mark Doheny: 15 things you’ll remember if you went clubbing in Egan’s
