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Mark Doheny: 27 things we all relate to when it comes to weddings

Wedding wine
Wedding wine

Weddings. You can’t avoid them at this time of the year and to help you, we’ve compiled a handy list of things we all can relate to.

1.  Just deciding to invite cousins will add 100-150 to the guest-list.

2.  Mixed weddings are ok – Emo and Courtwood, Portlaoise and Stradbally even Castletown and Camross all allowed. Marrying anyone from Kildare is pushing it though.

3. Damien Bowe will probably be the wedding band.

4. Wagon Wheel is a perfectly acceptable slow set, if not first dance.

5. The only question to ask at hotel check in is what time does the residents bar run until.

6. Neighbours of your parents will always be invited unless there is a family feud or they snubbed your family first.

7. There’ll be a teetotal uncle complaining that the wine at the table was free but he had to pay for his cokes.

8. Most menus will contain Beef and Turkey and Ham but god help you if it doesn’t contain at least one.

9. Somebody will give a present of a half a set of china.

10. Always bring a date as the singles table will be generally be slim pickings whether you are male or female

11. You’ll have gotten at least one wedding invite where your reaction was why the feck are they inviting me.

12. You’ll be delighted when you don’t get invited to a cousins wedding.

13. Your parents will have visitors calling for the week before the wedding

14. One neighbour or relation, who does not want to go, will volunteer to stay in the house “with the robberies and all”

15. At a family wedding your mam will always reckon “You made a holy show of yourself”

16. You probably did make “a holy show of yourself”

17. Your Dad will blame the quality of the beer and never the quantity when he is sick the next day.

18. You’ll have that one Grand Aunt, 99 and surviving on gin and bitterness, who will always ruin your day. She’ll ask if you’ve put on weight or, if you’re single, if there’s any hope of you giving her a day out anytime soon. Remember your next big day out could be her funeral and smile.

19. You will bring booze in case the residents bar closes early that you will end up bringing home unopened.

20. There can never be enough Prosecco on arrival.

21. Any unique feature that worked well at your wedding will be considered as notions by many.

22. The sing song usually has one good singer and loads of people ruining it by signing the chorus at the wrong time.

23. It’s a curse if you win the time the speeches competition – Rounds of Jaeger Bombs tend to cost a lot more that a fiver per person.

24. Rock the boat has ruined many a good suit.

25. If Sweet Caroline doesn’t get played, it’s not a proper wedding.

26. During the mass, get the communion either very early or very late – no point in wasting time stuck in a queue when you could be spotting the talent.

27.  If staying in the hotel, exercise caution if using the Leisure Centre the next day. There is nothing as awkward as sharing the Jacuzzi with the bride’s gran aunt who you were jiving with the night before.


SEE ALSO – 23 things you’ll relate to about funerals if you’re from Laois